It may seem hard to tell him, but honesty is the best policy.

It can be very rough when a family member dies. For younger children, it can be even more difficult. This is because many young children will not understand what is going on. If you are a parent who is trying to explain death to your child, you may not be sure what exactly to say. Here are some tips on how to explain death to your child.

Being Honest

It can seem difficult to tell your child about a death. In fact, there are some people who may even lie or put the truth offer until a moment when the timing seems right. Unfortunately, this is the worst thing that you can do. Be honest about the death. Let your child know that the person has died. It may seem hard, but saying it flat out can be for the better.

A Happy Place

Let your child know that the family member is in a happy place. One of the biggest problems with death is that many child fear that their family member is somewhere, having the same feelings that they are. Letting your child know that the deceased is in a better place is an important key to helping them cope.

Mention Other Deceased

Try to bring up a family member, friend, or pet who has died already. Tell your child that the deceased family member is in heaven with the other deceased person or animal. This will help your child understand that their family member is not going to be coming back at any point. They will realize that just like the other deceased person or animal that they know of, the family member is only going to be in their memories.

No More Suffering

Tell your child that the family member is no longer in pain. If the family member died because of cancer or another condition that causes them to experience a lot of suffering, this is the best thing that you can tell their child. While it is unlikely that it will make them feel better about the death at the moment, it is likely that they will remember in years to come that their family member is no longer in pain.

It can be difficult for a child to cope with a death. If you begin to notice that your child is having an unusually hard time coping with the death of your family member, it may be a good idea to consider grief counseling for your child. A therapist may be able to find a way to better explain death to your child than you can.

There are people in your life that matter. Sometimes it is nearly impossible to understand why, and that is okay for most of us – but for me it is not. I have this uncontrollable need to understand the relationships in my life. When someone that falls into this category passes away at a young age, then the pull for understanding becomes even greater. This is one reason why I love being a writer. I am fortunate enough to work through the pain of life with something as simple as a word processor and a cup of coffee. Such is the simple but rich life of a writer.

A couple of months ago, I was hit in the mouth with this exact type of relationship from my past. One of my very best friends in my past was killed last year and I never even knew it. The shock of the situation was certainly the first thing I felt, and then deep and mournful sorrow. I have mulled on the situation now for a bit, and I think I am now ready to write out my feelings. It is a bit of a tribute to him, and also a little bit of written therapy for me so I hope you will indulge me. The names are changed out of respect for those involved.

Back around the ninth grade, I was playing on a basketball team for a local recreation center. I was a pretty decent ball player, and I spent a large amount of time practicing at that very recreation center among other places. There I met Andy, and he ended up being the coach of my basketball team. Oddly, Andy was several years older than me, but he fit right into my world. We hit it off and were the best of friends almost instantly, but I never could put my finger on why. Part of the reason was because of our team, and part of the reason was because of our love of pro wrestling at the time. Ahhh… Wrestling.

Wrestling was the perfect thing to my buddy Andy. He was the biggest wrestling fan I had ever seen. Not only did he seem to believe it was real, but he seemed to relish in the fact that I indulged him. I would literally egg him on just to see the excitement in his face, and the joy in his spirit when the Nature Boy Ric Flair would come out. Andy would literally never miss an episode of pro wrestling. My love of wrestling was similar, though I did not love it as much as he. My love of wrestling was tied into the fact that the wrestling matches was the only time I ever got to really spend with my biological father. Whatever the case, we became fast friends on these shaky foundations.

We spent every minute together it seemed back then. I was new to High School, and he was friends with the older students at my school. This allowed me to quickly meet recently graduated former students, and even some of the older current students there. This became a very clear connection for us, because we then had similar friends as well. More importantly, Andy had his own place and threw the best parties anywhere. He introduced me to partying, and I eventually blended right in. I was not much of a drinker and never messed with drugs, but I certainly was into meeting all the women that would come to his parties. Then one day, I met Sandy…… Andy’s girlfriend.

Sandy was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, and I was sure that I had seen them all at that time. Out of respect for Andy, I tried my best to not show this obvious feeling, but I am still to this day not sure if I was successful. Andy and I were the best of friends, but we were very different. At that time, Andy was not the family man that he turned out to be. Andy was a cheater. Contrary to everything I knew of Andy, he simply could not seem to stay away from other women. He was the most loving, kind, and genuine friend I had ever had up to that time, but he was a woman chaser of the highest order.

Over time, I began to get put into situations that were very uncomfortable. Sandy had quickly become much more to me than a good friend. She had become a soulmate. We used to spend hours sitting and talking while we waited for Andy to come home from work. It was in those moments that I learned just how special she was. Her heart was such a flower, waiting to open to a world of opportunity and excitement. She spoke of things that made me wish for what I now enjoy with a wonderful wife. For the first time in my life, I was in love. Sandy never knew it I do not believe, but I do think that she might have suspected.

Andy would get himself into situations and I would be put on the spot to lie for him. I regret to say that I sometimes did, and to this day I regret those choices. Not only for the obvious reasons, but also because I enabled his cheating and so on. Not only that, but I must admit that on some level I was hoping that he would be caught by Sandy. My friendship with him was in constant battles with my love for Sandy. This led us to no longer hang out on several occasions. Every time he would swear that he would stop, and that he would never put me in that situation again. Then he would do it all over again, and I would eventually leave from their lives once again. Sandy never knew that the real reason I would disappear was because of that.

Over time, Sandy and Andy inevitably did break up. They had broken up so many times it was unreal, but this time it was for good. I was left broken hearted in many ways. One, I knew that Sandy would be out of my life more than likely, and two, I knew that Andy would be crushed. Andy was crushed indeed…In a way that I never will understand. It took truly losing Sandy for him to see what he was doing. He eventually started dating again, and even fell back and forth off the cheating wagon with other women. Eventually, he started seeing someone and got married.

Andy and I stopped hanging out not long after Sandy was gone. I am sad to say that the major glue of our relationship was not women, deep friendship, or even wrestling…. It was Sandy. She was the reason that we remained so close, as I was personally invested in the relationship. When I think of my buddy Andy, I see visions of a much simpler time. I see the three of us climbing into the truck and heading to the beach for no good reason. I see Sandy spending hours talking with a young freshman about all the reasons that he (I) should be confident. I see all the girls that they hooked me up with – all the while I was thinking of Sandy. Most importantly, I see two people that would forever be connected with my heart, though for vastly different reasons.

Andy was so many things to me. He was a friend, he was an example both good and bad, and he was the first person to help me understand what it means to learn. Andy learned, though it came later in life. Long after we had stopped hanging out, he became a wonderful husband and father by all accounts. Sadly we had not spoken in many years when I got the news of his death. This did not dampen the sorrow I felt. This did not close the wounds of my soul that had never fully been healed. It did remind me of my own destiny. It did remind me of how lucky I am. It did remind me of the days with Andy and Sandy.

As I write these words, I am reminded of a special memory. It was a memory of an old fishing pond that the three of us would go and fish at. I remember sitting on the edge of that pond, holding a rod and laughing with Sandy and Andy. The air was warm on our faces, and the happiness was very clear in all of our hearts. Every bit of laughter was genuine, and I felt a kinship that was unbreakable, in spite of the future to come. While Andy is gone, and can not be brought back, those memories keep us alive. Those memories mean that it was real. Those memories mean that I can still visit him and Sandy anytime I like in my mind….

Sandy and Andy, I miss you both… God bless you and I look forward to a day when we can go fishing again…